Summer Storms

At 8pm on a Saturday night, I lay in bed. Content. My husband, snoring loudly to my left. My daughter, cuddled up against my body, snoring almost imperceptibly. If you listen closely, her snores sound like quiet little copies of my husband’s.  It’s easy to get lost looking towards the finish line. Every day feels like a battle as I drag myself towards a future I can’t quite envision. However, once in awhile, the present makes an appearance. An early night in bed with the love of my life, our progeny between us. She looks so much like him but, at the same time, so much like me. How easy it is to overlook the present. But when I take a moment to really bask in my current reality, I feel it. Serenity. My little family in our little house in our little town. Somehow, without realizing it, I’ve made it. I’m exactly where I’ve always dreamed I’d be. And for just a moment, one small moment, I’m not looking towards the finish line. For I’ve already completed the race.

The Ultimate Betrayal

I remember opening a doll house one Christmas morning. My parents were still recently separated and I was always so upset on holidays. But you wanted me to have a good day. The dollhouse was huge. Furniture sets for six rooms. You took the rest of the day to help me set it up. I played with that house for years. Fast forward 20 years and you tell a crowd that I honestly don’t want assembled how I’m one of the most precious people in your heart.

Who knew that six months later we wouldn’t be speaking.

My grandma has passed. But she’s not just my grandma, is she? I lived in her house for most of my life. She helped raise me. My mom has just passed. Our mom has just passed. And we’re not speaking.

I think what hurts that most is that you won’t say why. What hurts is hearing you make comments about how easy it is not to talk to someone. How can I be one of the most precious people in your heart and it also be easy for you not to talk to?

Instead of telling me what’s bothering you, you look the other way as you walk in and refuse to acknowledge me. Tomorrow I’ll stand in a room with you as people tell us how sorry they are for our loss, but I think I might just feel your loss more.

My grandma was one of the most important people in my life, but I’m glad she’s not suffering anymore. And hopefully soon, this betrayal will no longer force me to suffer either.

My whole life our family has operated on the pretense that you can be the worst type of person but at the end of the day, we’re family. Blood of the covenant and all that. But I’ve learned something recently that weighs heavy on my heart. The whole expression is really “the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.” If there’s anything that I’ve learned from integrating into my love’s family, it’s that families don’t treat each other like this. Psychological warfare is never on the table. Blood means nothing if you have to sacrifice your own dignity in allegiance to it.

Our mom has just passed. Yet you’ve lost more than one person precious to your heart.

Bonnies vs. Colgate

Today in my Photojournalism class, we had to take some pictures and put them onto one sheet. This was practice for our final assignment. My professor told us to take three photos that we had shot and had currently available and toss something together. This was my result. It wasn’t totally horrible, so here ya go, WordPress.

 

 

We won, and it was quite the game.

With love, XOXO.

 

(c) 2014 Jessica M. Miller, all rights reserved.